Wow. It's been a while. It seems as if my last few posts were just forced attempts at trying to say something spiritual. The truth is...I was fooling myself into thinking that I was doing myself a favor. I was also fooling myself into thinking that I was fooling God...that was foolish. So I took a long break from blogging after coming to this shameful conclusion. From this post on, I will not force blog, but only say something that is worth saying and something that I feel I need to say. I understand it may not be everyday.
Tonight I do have something that I believe is worth sharing. Something that I believe will help me with my current state of being. This post will be the first in a series of posts that will log my journey from where I am now to where I want to be. And where I am now is a place of hurt, a place of pain, a place of rejection, a place that I have been for a while now. A place of scars, that for almost a year, has not been dealt with, and has not been touched by the healing hand of God. Something has happened to lead me here, though I am the only one to blame for allowing myself to tumble to this place that I am. Something did shove me...but it was me who allowed the momentum to continue, I only needed to put my feet down...and I didn't. I didn't want to. I wanted to be mad. I couldn't stop feeling rejected. But no longer. I don't want to be here anymore. I don't want to hurt anymore. I don't want to have this same feeling of rejection that started some time ago. I want to let go. I want to give it to God. This is the day that I acknowledge my pain, my anger, my abscence from the Word, and God's absence from my heart (that being my doing of course, not Gods.) I miss the light, I miss the joy, and I miss the freedom. I want freedom from this place of grudge-holding and this place of not letting my mind and my heart move on. This will take time, and this will take prayer. ***If you are reading, your prayers are very longed for and appreciated deeply - thank you***
This will start the journey. My wife has been trying to help me through this, yet I have not really let her do so. I have decided that I cannot do it without her (Like I have to decide that!?) So we, as she was affected and deeply hurt as well, will begin this change and this progress together. As so we should. Tonight I have taken my first step out of this hole. Tomorrow I will work on another.
---Coming soon: Scars, outro
- Jason
- Longview, Texas, United States
- I am Jason. Just another person trying to make it in the world. But...to Jesus, I am someone worth dying for. The life that I have in Him is what makes me who I am.
1 comment:
Hey man, I'm glad you've come to this point. It's a necessary part of the process, but you have to come to it yourself. I'm really glad you're here now, because I believe God still wants to use you. Keep me informed on the process.
~c
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